...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
