The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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