We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
