i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
