I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
