wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
