Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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