My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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