Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize