Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
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I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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