dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
