I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
