I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize