Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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