My entire life is one complicated drinking game
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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