Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
