he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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