I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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