its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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