I want to make a zoo with you.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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