youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
