tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
