i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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