Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
