shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
