I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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