The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
