I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
