can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
