sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
