My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
