i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
