the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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