i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
