remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
