my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
