If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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