My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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