I heard we made out
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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