I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
