so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
