Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.