I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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