Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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