i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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