as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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