I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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