First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
