I wanna bring you to show and tell
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
