2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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