Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
