That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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