woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
