I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
