Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
