i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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