I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
