yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
