new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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