Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
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you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
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there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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